Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Serupadi Sindubad

I was trying to make a list of people who will be in my "serupadi" (slapping with chappal) list. I will confer the title "serupadi sindubad" to the top candidate. This list is in ascending order.

8. "Show Off Desi Girls" who want to emulate Paris Hilton , the likes the university of kentucky girl who I met recently. Grow up kiddo , you can never make a sex tape like her !!!

7. The guy who took the TOMTOM GPS ($300 ones sold for $130) on black friday. Dude , show some manners !!!

6. Osama Bin Laden - All we need is one bullet to take him out. May be we should ask captain Vijaykanth to get involved !!!

5. CPI leaders like Prakash Karath - who is fighting against PM Manmohan singh on the nuclear deal. Stop getting money from China !!!

4. Hillary Clinton - She pisses me off with her fake smile. Behind every cheating president there is a fake senator wife.

3. Benazir Bhutto - She is the number #1 prostitute in the whole world. Sleeping with Musharaff - No problem , With Shariff - No problem , With Bush - No Problem and above all, even sleeping with Sonia - No Problem. What a bitch !!!

2. Deve Gowda - Sottai thatha is a total shakuni when it comes to politics. He is the male gigolo of politics in Karnataka. Either he is so good or Kannadigas are so stupid !!!

1. Mahindra Rajapakse - For killing tamils ruthlessly. You will die some day dude !!!.Pathini saabam palikum. vayiru erinchu solren !!!!!! "PINJA SERUPADI SINDUBAD"

Peace to all except the above


Friday, November 23, 2007


Last week , I was dubbed a racist by a reader. Snubbed as a loser by another. Here I come with more firepower. If people think Iam a racist because of this article, so be it !!!

XXX represents a group of people talking YYY language,
YYY may be any Indian language except Gujarati.

After all my impression of XXX was that of "radiant pink shirt wearing heroes", "chilly spicy food" in mouth-watering red color and the totally absurd masala movies. I like to watch XXX for its non-realistic-stunt-comedy. They are more funnier than Stunts of Vijaykanth and Makeups of Ramarajan. After all XXX heroes are the only breed (other than keaunu reeves in matrix) who have the power stop a train, shoot aircraft with their revolvers and perform High flying stunts with agricultural - tractors.

After coming to the US I have met a few weird XXX, who are very much stranger than fiction. This blog will get a lot of heat and all I say is "Bring it on."

1. Biggest Kanjoos of all-time:
They are the "hybrid of kanjoosiness". Give them a free coffee , they will walk for six miles. When they come to US, they usually leave their spouse and kid in India, and live alone for the last one million years. Typically, they have not gone back to India since their arrival and have no intention to bring their spouse here. Then how did they get manage the kid ? He was married a few days before he came here. So you work out the math !!!

2. Iam a fashion model-XXX:
I often come across a few girls in CT Indian Association. You will be forced to believe that they are directly from the gene-pool of Aishwarya Rai or even worse, Jennifer Lopez. You can identify them by their fake designer Glasses (Prada and Louis Vatton). They are from road side stores back in India. Even if it is original you can put your money on it being begged or borrowed or stolen from their White friends. If you talk to these folks, either you will laugh or you will run. Get a life girls !!!

3. Iam proud of XXX culture:
These people are the ones who you see fight about their YYY spirit in other regional meetings. The sad thing is all the other region members if he is Al-Gore. In my childhood days I have seen street cleaners and sewer cleaners speaking in YYY (same style). So the next time someone standsup, Iam going to bring him a broomstick and a bucket and you know why !!!!

4. Shame-less Samraats of YYY land:
They have absolutely no-shame. Even if you ask them directly, if they have any shame ?, they will use that as an oppurtunity to ask you for a favor in return. They call only when they need you. They think you have a sticker on your head which says "USE ME WHEN YOU NEED". They will go to any extent to please you and make you feel happy, when they need you. Once they are done, you will be a sewage rat. So much for their pride of YYY Land !!!

Pal, if you happen to be a XXX and if you think you resemble one of the above four, in this country you are not a Gujarati, Kashmiri, Bengali, Telugu or Hindi. You are an Indian, a Desi. Every one of us came on the same. Here you are seen as an Indian and not XXX from the kingdom that was forced to join India by Sardar Patel. See the Gujaratis and learn. Every Gujju has the habit of seeing your desi-ness and not the state you are from. Learn the Desiness. Money , pride and fame will follow you.

YYY land after all is in India !!!


Monday, November 19, 2007

kevala karnataka politics - Amaidhipadai Part 2

This is my first attempt at VLOG. Thanks to Mr. H , ennoda karpanai kudhirai minnalaai paraka help panninaar. I got the idea from NDTV which kept flashing info about Karnataka. This is my attempt to criticise whats happening there.



Thursday, November 15, 2007

Aluku Outsourcing - the story of HL visas

After a strong dose of emotional reality blogging ,2 of my critics blasted me. They were reading my posting to lighten them up. "Romba Message Monalisa va illaama, konjam padikira maari eludhu." This was the advice I got. Well , I have to make it lighter , to tailor to my overseas crowd. This one is more on the lighter side. Apdi eluthulenaa, padikira 3 perla , 2 peru discontinue aayiruvanga. appuram naane eludhi ..naane padichu !!! idhai vida kevalam onnum illai...!!!

I was driving home after groceries and decided to hear NPR (National Public Radio). This is one of the popular FM radio station here.

Suriyan FM, Mirchi FM laam inge varaadhu.. Podhumaaa !!!!
Inimel FM radio nu varthai yen vaaila irunthu vantha rendu seevakataila rendu vangikaren...!!! podhumaa ????

Coming to the point, there was an interesting segment about outsourcing. In Washington DC, Carpenters Union was fighting against a large corporation. They organised picketting (Dharna) before their company head quarters. One of the journalist found that the protesting people were not real carpenters but HOMELESS PEOPLE. The carpenters had hired help so that they dont have to stand in cold and protest. After all the carpenters were being paid $24 per hour and the homeless were being paid 8 dollars per hour.
Economics la puli thaan ponga !!!

So decided to explore such an innovative trend, little bit more Desi Style.

What if,
a. All the picketting and strikes are left to "Homeless People". There will be no loss of productivity and above all home-less make an extra buck too.
b. Obviously, at some point there will be a shortage of homeless people to do protests. What should we do ???

This is where, my (loosu) imagination started going really (loosu) wild.

Purushanuku yenna samaikanum nu yosikaama, ipdi thaan loosu maari yosipen. Athuku ipo yenna ?????

The best answer , would be to bring immigrants for this job. Both legal and illegal immigrants. My acquaintance with illegal immigrants is too little to comment . After all , I thought of them as Sergei Bubka's cousins. They were more pole vault sportsmen (jumping over the border and crossing to US), than IIT grads. So I decided to think more local, legal immigrants.

The first thing that came to my mind was , Desi-consulting companies. The desi-consultants will start hiring homeless-beggars from India. Will they use the same H1 quota ? HELL NO !!! We cannot/wont let that happen.
So,the US government would then be forced to issue a new visa type called "HL" visas . I could not name it H visas , due to my emotional attachment, I shared with my H4.

Back home, all the engineering colleges will start a new course. B.Tech (homeless engineering). If you cannot goto B.E or B.Tech, you will have a masters alternative. It will be called M.H.A. You guessed it Master of homeless application.

Definitely there will be a mad rush of students to this new group because of the imminent placement oppurtunities, that too mostly outside of India. The self financing instituions will now advertise in Hindu "Our homeless engineering students are 100% placed". Yenna velai...pichai karan velai !!!!

Then there will be the special institutes like APTECH and SSI which will start new courses for homeless studies. These will mostly be occupied by people who want to change their career. Every evening in Annanagar , 2nd avenue and Vadapalani , you will see practical sessions which will bring "morning hard working people" to the streets with empty "Dunkin Donuts" coffee cups.

Campus interviews for such positions, shall be held roadside. Self-financing colleges (not the poor A.P.C.M.K.R.Z colleges of engg), the rich ones, will build a special guest house and parking lot to simulate better homeless conditions during campus interview. They will advertise and showoff their latest thiruvodu aka dunkin cups. Iam pretty sure that Infosys, Wipro and CTS will recruit more homeless than anyone. After all bench strength matters !!! Should I call it bench strength or should i say "unused thiruvodu" strength.

Think about the indian beggars, who are now in the streets. There will be a tremendous demand for them. They will be the most sought after ones. Experience kanna Experience !!! From then on, we will all pay some serious attention to the homeless in front of temples. Afterall, they shall remind us , one of our distant cousin, will make more money than us, by being in a top position in a HOMELESS RECRUITING FIRM.

I can say one thing for sure. Culture shall not change. Beggars definitely wont decide to dress up in "Allen-Solly" and "Peri-Alley" shirts. My prediction is that there will be a mad rush for "LEVIs" and "LEE" Jeans, after all, even now, their torn jeans make the richest of richest , a lot of homeless.

When you have to apply for a HL visa, you need to have some serious experience. As usual, the Desis will fake it very good. There shall be pictures of them begging in entrance of every temple. There will be professional photographers to do this job. Also , You need to show that you have negative bank balance and some serious homeless engineering skill set. You need to prove to the embassy that you have some fixed roots in India, by which I mean, a permanent fixed spot in front of a temple.

Jet airways and Air India will for sure increase the number of flights from CHENNAI, MUMBAI AND DELHI. "Homeless web special fares" will be available thro internet. The only difference is that, these flights will stop in Chennai-Colombo-Dhaka-Karachi-Kabul-Tehran-Baghdad-Ankara-Somalia-Ethiopia-Tanzania-Cameroon-Johanessburg-Rio De Janeiro-Buenos Aires-Mexico City and then finally to Newyork (not JFK, but Laguardia). The reason some of the countries,instead of cities are listed because they donot have airports and most likely we will be landing in an airstrip somewhere, to pickup wanna-be homeless. The flight journey will be only 57 hours and with 28 connections.

Once they arrive, the consultants will place these desi-homeless where the real US based homeless are needed at a relatively fraction of cost. The good thing is that our "HL" consultants donot have to be provided hotel & food allowance. They, in-order to be true to their profession, shall live on the streets.

This will be a total win-win for India. We can export all the homeless beggars to foreign countries and they will bring more international currency, sorry internation coins, into the indian market. Indian Foreign investment will multiply by atleast 100 times. Share market will go to 100000 points in 2 years.

As usual , Lou Dobbs on CNN will angrily carry a segment, "OVERTAKING BY THE INDIAN THIRUVODU". He will be very articulate and say "how the true homeless have been betrayed. They have been made to find real jobs and now they are not homeless. Shame on Corporate America, how dare you make the homeless, not homeless. "

The downside is dollar value will goto 27 rupees. So the brain drain will start reversing. All the IIT peoples, bandha paramasivam will start going back to India. Lufthansa , British Airways will declare bankruptcy. There will be no Raapichai in India. "Amma thaaye" will be replaced by "Pichai karanga vandhirukaar. Inaiku nallaa soru podanum. Veli naatula roti yum, bread thinnu paavam, naaku sethu poirukum. Nalla palaya saadham podanum"

In 2012 election campaign, Hillary Clinton will talk about adding homeless-income tax to fund the war on Iran. She will be talking about limiting the number of homeless immigrant per country, but wont do it. Every year the HL visa will be over the first couple days. There will talks of no caps of HL visa. But it wont happen. Hillary would face staunch opposition from racist rednecks about their jobs being taken over. But still Hillary will win !!!

In all this will be one experience which will make everyone cringe in this country and will make everyone happy back home. Here comes the punch, as i winding down this blog, Mr H comes back from office, singing an old song, "Anne Anne Sippai Anne, Namma ooru nalla ooru ipo romba ketu pochune". What a coincidence !!!

Ironically, I named the visa "HL". But in reality H visas and L Visas are the most popular ones. Afterall H and L visa holder are close to being homeless. I think of it like that because I remember my dead uncle K saying "uravai vitru kaasu vanga poraanga..." when we went to get his blessing before we came here.

How true !!! Home is where the heart is....!!! In that context every desi is homeless !!!



Mr. H and me are not homeless because now we have green card ;-)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Margarita Maamiyum and Lemonade Drinkerum

Ithula irukara character neeya iruntha naan porupalla...

Munurai :

I never knew my blogging would cause so much of cosmic collisions. Enga Oorukum , pakathu oorukum aruva vettu kadhai maari , nethu nadantha phonuraiaadalla neraya peru vailla vilundhenu enoda thambi phone panni sonnan. So got a bit worried. Adhanala Mr H kita keten. He said "kedakaraanga avanga, nee yeludhu apdinu sollitaar". Idhu Idhu..idhaithaan yethir paathen enpathu pola egiri kuthitu "odiyaanthu" (if u dont know what "odiyaanthu" means you should not be reading this in the first place) blogayanatha continue panren. "Valga... "Yen purushan Mr H".


Coming to the nadu centre-karuthu, I always wanted to know what drinking had to do with being in a foreign country. My experience with alchohol has been next to nothing. In order to spice it up , lets assume my above statement is false.

Intha incident nadanthu oru 11 varsham irukum nu nenaikiren. My first experience with booze started. Infact it was a forgettable one. In our so called INDUSTRIAL VISIT (there is nothing industrial about it except if you want to call "thallu vandi varukadalai" a business), we girls , who were not the elite figures of our class , were given a beer mixed in coke bottles. Adha kudichu vaandhi kooda varla. If I had thrown up I would have thought that it to be a memorable experience. I think the dose of beer was relatively weak and by the way, elite girls got strong doses. My fellow class mate, the poruki pasanga must have had this wildest dream that elite girls were going to strip for them after their drunken escapades. In reality, all that happened was that they were made to carry buckets (which I thought was equivalent to the "sombu" that the elite girls gave after college) in nilagiri express to make their "sombu" girl friend's life easier by reducing the frequency of visits to the SMELLY Indian railway restrooms. I remember one of the guys, a fair boy was so remorseful (yeah yeah...) of this whole incident, he decided to sit with one of the elite girls, thro out the trip, much to her liking ( or may be his liking). Our gang of "sadhu" girls decided to skip I.Vs from then on , not becos of such behavior, but becos of lack of attention on us.

In 2007, when I was in India, I decided to visit my college. I happened to meet one of my distant cousin, in my college. He was elated to see me (he used take over text books from my brother, who had has inherited in a much pathetic state from my cousin Mr B) so I decided to drive him back home instead of his college bus. In a laid back conversation he threw the ultimate "BOMB". It seems a lot of his class girls are into drinking. I was so intrigued by this conversation that I ended up spending a couple of hours with him talking about this. He said the girls now even have brand liking. Lot of girls prefer Bacardi Rum and Smirnoff Vodka. He didnot know when they developed this habit but he says it didnot start in college. SO MUCH FOR MY SCHOOLING DAYS !!!! He went so far as saying one of the girl is a regular smoker. Ipo thaan enaku purinchathu why our kind fair much better in exam results. Romba charge yethitu vandhu exam eludhurangappaaa..... Naan kooda may be 85% vangi irupenno ennavo...Yaaru kandaa

So I decided to do my Ph.D in boozing habits of Desi Girls. I have a friend who lives in the same complex. She lives with a couple of desi girls (who remind me of my class elite figures) . So i casually asked her if she drinks. She said not really, may be casually. I was so relieved. I THOT I DIDNT MISS TOO MUCH. DESI GIRL PRIDE WAS SO INTACT.

But happiness was short lived. She told me in couple of weeks that they carry beer in their refrigerator. It so happens casual drinking means drinking a couple of days every week. Udambu yella pathikitu Mr H kita poi romba polambinen. He , as usual, so what nu kettaar ? Enna manushanayaa neer !!!

Then I thought I was polling the wrong crowd. After all, these girls did their MS here, so I decided to change my test subjects. Who better than friends of Mr. H and their spouses ? After two weeks was the grand finale. We went to one of his colleagues home. It was a navarathiri party. I am a great fan of navarathiri, for I love GOLU. Mrs. P (friend's spouse) had setup this real nice golu , 5 small padis and lot of kutti kutti bommaigal. There were a few of her friends , who I know, not much though. They all sang , some typical BRAMINISH SONGS with their "NOT-SO M.S" voices , "WWF like thigh slapping" and "half closed eyes" (which for some reason made me think they were high on cocaine) . I was like the thalayati bommai except I was staring sometimes. It was a lot of fun. She prepared a grand feast for everyone. There came the 10000-wala of the feast, six pack "Bud Light". Almost all the high-cocaine women, jumped and grabbed a bud light. YENNA ULAGAMADAA SAAMY !!!! Apo thaan I felt "Naan Romba Backward". Therinju thaan yenna "Backward Class" nu vechirukaanga, Indian goverment. I would have been even happier if I had SC/ST. I was shocked. To my agony , Mr H made a statement, Mrs P yennaa style aaa, dhum adichaa paathiya ??? Now I was fuming. Kadhu , Mooku yella pakamum pugai. Sundal added for it too. Those ladies were the TRUE MARGARITA MAAMIs.

I said may be we should try and see what is in that. Yennoda kovatha purinja Mr. H, next day took me to Olive Garden. Joining us was my cousin Ms S. He told me "May be we should just taste something less strong. He never drinks too. So he had no Idea. So we asked the waitress, (her name was Sarah), to bring us mild saraku, a cocktail, which she suggested. Mr H was so afraid he would get a ticket for drunk driving. When he asked if the cocktail was under driving limits, she almost went ballistic with her laugh. She said "you have drink 100s of them". Maaname pochu. Finally I tried it. My cousin tried it. Mr H tried it. Nothing, NO SURU .
I did not like it one bit. My cousin kept saying "itha vida konjam strong aa try panni irukalaam". Now I have this slight doubt if my cousin is a tiger under sheep's clothing. Time will tell if she is!!!

I was so upset that Desi culture was being lost at frantic pace. Ennavo Po nu vituten. Last week Diwali dinner ku Mr H boss veetuku ponom. A nice tamilian who owns Mr H's company. He has been here for last 26 years. Romba nalla cook. He made some nice Shrimp-Biriyani,Chicken gravy and some Aval-Payasam. It was just a few people who were important to him, one of them was Mr P and Mrs P. My whole image of her was now that of a coke addict-carnatic-drunkard. I thought to myself, my god, another round of BUD LIGHT.

Here comes the twist, Mr. H boss, served everyone home made lemonade. I , for once, was thrilled. I made up my mind (much to Mr H's dislike) asked his boss, "Sir Neenga Drink Pannuveengala ???".

He says.......... "No Way. No one in our family drinks. My wife (who is a Dr ) inspite of her social engagements, doesnot drink. We vomitted once when we were made to taste wine in NAPA valley"

AHAAA.... Yenna answer. I had won my moral victory. Clean knock out.

Then I realised Desi pride is not kept intact by these so called "STYLISH MARGARITA MAAMIs" who have been here for just a few years but by the true indians who have been here for much longer and live life on their own terms & principles. I think Iam one of them and Iam proud of it.



So here is the score line:




Monday, November 12, 2007

Monkey Kulla and Global Warming

Last 2 weeks hv been so cold. Its getting dark very quick. Back home, people have no idea how dreadfully cold it can get. I decided to try my experience with "Monkey Kulla" and couldnot tolerate it.

Why ? Mela Padeenga puriyum...

Once in a while, the relatives who talk,ask me all the time, how is the climate and is it cold ? I have to stand on my head to explain how cold it is to them.

First, "Enga Payanum America-la Irukaan" types
you have the people who have their sons in the US too , for a six month project. There is a silent ego war going between my parents and their parents on who is better. My parents always have the victorious feeling cos I have been here much longer than their son. But still R uncle will not accept it cos I dont work its my husband who works, so its a moral victory for him. Last week they were at my home and my mom thrust the phone to them (i hate her for doing this...)

here is how the audition goes....

Me: Mama..epdi irukeenga
Mama: Nalla iruken. husband yepdi irukaar.
Me: He is ok...ipo thaan office ponaar
Mama: B (who is the son) kita pesuniyaa
Me: Ille Mama. Pesi romba naal aachu. Itho inaki koopidanum , naliku koopidanum paakaren, maranthu poiren....
(honestly...i hv never spoken to him since he came and I dont even have his number)
Mama: Avanukum anga romba velai thaan... he didnt even call today.
(yenna velai , satha sarva kalamum orkut la scrap panra velaiyaa
also, he speaks daily yaa...Mama ku moral victory kuda illa..shame on you)
Me: I know..yenna moonu mani neram..time difference vera. So time othu pogarathu illa. How is J (their daughter) ?
Mama: Nalla thaan irukaa. Last week fever avaluku. Climate change athaan. Ange climate yepdi.
Me: Romba kulir. Winter arambichuruchu.
Mama: B kooda sonnaa. Avanikum romba kuliraam.

(This is my breaking point cos he lives in SanDiego. Sandiego is like Rajasthan when compared to Newyork)

Me: Sari Mama, avar lunchku vandhiruvaar. Naa appuram pesaren.
...hanging up of the fone.
Couldnot tolerate his bloated ego.

Second , you have the so called "INDIA-IS COLD" club.
My Father could be the president of the club. December maasam pani (SNOW) peyum India la solravanga. HELLOOO....DO U KNOW WHAT SNOW IS ? SNOW IS THAT WHITE THING THAT FALLS FROM THE SKY NOT THE ONE THAT WANDERS LIKE A GHOST EARLY MORNING, IT IS CALLED MIST. These people wear thermals in India in December. They wear the monkey kulla in MAY. He wears the worst kind of nepali sweater, you guessed it BROWN in color and so unfriendly. This can be worn in Artic and I bet not a single stream of cold would pass thro that. I think his plan is to use the COLD as an excuse for thirutu DHUM. Yeah, after all my scoldings and H's scolding, he still makes Gold Flake Company profittable.

Third, "Global-Warming-Cousin"
He is the typical geek who idolises my husband but hates me. He wants to move here and talks lot about US. His wide range of topics are from VIOXX law suits to Mormons of UTAH. When u explain to him about the cold, his typical reaction was "THEN GLOBAL WARMING WAS A SCAM TO GET THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR AL-GORE ?????"

Raasaaa..theriyaama solliten....There is no kuliru here....unkita card kaali panni yenoda vayitha yerichalla...kuliru pochu

Aamaa, global warning ku mukiya reason e nee thaan. unoda 9th standard la fail aagi bencha thechi soodaakiniye, athu thaan arctic pani uruga karanam.
podhumaa... aaalaa udu !!!!

Veliya solla mudeela, blog la solliten podhumaa ?????

Last, but not the least... "Erumai Maatu Tholargal" (its not thozhargal)
Their response would be, you should come to OOTY and Moonaar. Its below freezing. BLAH BLAH. I call them this way becos, they goto OOTY and MOONAR 100 million times so this cold wont matter to them. Afterall, I couldnot go with them because my appa would hate their families for being too liberal.

Any way, this cold which I have been used to for the last eight years is too much this year. I have succumbed to the cold and I wore sweat shirts, socks and monkey kulla. After 20 mins, i threw the monkey kulla becos it made my ears so hot that I could put a tawa to fry out of my ears. Above all the monkey kulla...reminded me of my dad who would not leave the house without one in December.

But intha kulla..avarodathu illa.